What do men even do on paternity leave?

plus the best casting and the worst idea

What do men even do on paternity leave?

This week in The Telegraph, journalist Celia Walden wrote an article under the headline: ‘Six months’ paternity leave is ridiculous- what are men actually going to be doing?’ If you want to find the article you can Google it, although searching ‘Telegraph paternity leave’ first brings up the news that the newspaper is one of few organisations in the UK that actually offers six months’ paid leave for men- ironic or hypocritical? Either way, it makes for some great rage bait which I don’t begrudge, but respect as a well-established (and lucrative) sector of journalism.

The article comes at an opportune moment for my personal interests, because as of last week, I am no longer the ‘primary parent’. That’s right, all you thirsty editors reading this who’ve suddenly felt your mouths water and your knickers dampen, this writer is back on the commission market! Get her while she’s hot (albeit slightly less hot than she was a year ago). I am officially ready to unload all my unsolicited opinions onto the printed page- TV, celebs, food, feminism, sex- nothing is off the table (actually, my table is quite high and I’m married to a short king, so sex on a table has in the past proven tricky, but if you provide a lower table, I’m game).

My hubby has taken his two months of paternity leave and we’ve run away to Morocco, because why the hell not? So I’ve been downgraded to secondary, beta, backup parent. I am therefore very well equipped to answer Celia’s question of what a man does on paternity leave, as I am currently watching it while I pretend to write something that will bring in an income (you lucky freeloading readers).

The simple answer is, basically anything a mother does on maternity leave. Mostly it involves a fair amount of changing nappies, playing the Happy Song, and constantly being on the move because babies love a step count. Earlier, the hubby took the baby to a museum where he promptly shat through his dungarees (the baby, not the husband).

Celia seemed to suggest that men were surplus to requirement in parenthood, writing ‘it would still be mum left holding the baby’, and I think the confusion is that she’s conflating all men with garbage men- a mistake every woman’s made.

There is a period early on in the newborn stage where it’s often mostly mum dealing with the baby, but even then your partner being around is incredibly helpful- someone needs to take care of the baby and someone else needs to take care of the mother. However, once you’re through that stage, there’s no reason Dad can’t take over as primary parent. Celia said men shouldn’t have six months’ paternity ‘until men can bear children’. But my ability to bear a child now has very little to do with caring for a six month old- unfortunately when he’s crying I can’t shove him back into my cavernous vagina and give him a time-out in my empty womb. The stretch marks he left on me give him no entertainment. And while I am still breastfeeding, my husband is perfectly capable of giving him a bottle- as it stands, I’m more like a milk keg he attaches the baby to every four hours.

Celia seems to think that a man on paternity leave will simply kiss a baby on the head, hand it back to Mum, and go off to the pub to drink away the free unearned cash. She hasn’t even considered that perhaps the mum is back at work during this time (did I mention I’m free for commissions?). I do think there are plenty of men that use weaponised incompetence to do less than their fair share-I once heard a man utter “you’re just better at changing the nappy,” as if wiping smeared shit off a tiny arse was a skill tucked behind that second X chromosome.

And if we’re being generous, it is the case that looking after a baby is slightly terrifying at the beginning; you can’t quite believe that you- unqualified, untrained, incapable you- are completely responsible for something so fragile and you desperately want someone knowledgeable to help. Most women don’t have anyone when they start their shift on day 0, but when Dad starts helping, Mum’s already ahead. It’s hard for Dads not to shrink away and for Mums not to micromanage, but I think it’s integral for a mum not to become the only expert on a child. There’s no reason for Dad not to be just as well-informed, equipped and involved.

Paternity leave is incredibly important, not just because it helps break the bias that hiring women of childbearing age is a financial risk. And not so that baby and Dad can have an opportunity to properly bond although that is a nice side effect. No, it’s for one reason and one reason only: to give men a healthy appreciation of looking after a baby.

I honestly think it should be forced on every man. I don’t know what Celia’s on about, because far from having a jolly with company cash, every man I’ve known who’s taken a large length of paternity leave has gone into it thinking they’d start second businesses or train for a marathon, and come out of it exhausted and appreciative of their amazing partners. Day One, my husband turned to me and said ‘I don’t know how you’ve done it for six months’- because it’s wonderful and it’s lovely, but it’s full-on, with moments that are boring and lonely and draining.

If every man was forced to take six months’ leave, I think policies and attitudes across the country would change in an instant- restaurants would make their entrances pram-accessible, maternity leave would pay at least as much as minimum wage, nurseries wouldn’t cost a kidney, and statues would appear all over the country heralding the selfless parents raising kids.

Six months paternity leave shouldn’t just be encouraged, it should be mandatory!

The Anti-Nepo Games

Unless it’s Doctor Who or James Bond, I’m usually not really aware of a film’s cast until it’s been filmed. I see the poster, or the trailer and think ‘ooh I love that actor’. But I’ve been following the slow release of the latest Hunger Games with bated breath as each new name is shared on a dedicated tiktok page- because it slaps. The casting director heard they were introducing ‘casting’ as a category at The Oscars and said ‘start polishing my statue’. Because it’s a prequel with the original being filmed 13 years ago, the younger versions of famous actors are required. Hollywood has a history of hiring actors real life relatives to play them in films- Ice Cube’s son played a young him in Straight Out of Compton, Meryl Streep’s daughter Mamie Gummer played the younger version of Meryl in Evening, Ralph Fiennes’ nephew played a young Voldemort in a Harry Potter flashback. So it would have been the obvious, easy choice to have a Kiefer Sutherland play young Donald Sutherland and Cooper Hoffman to play young Philip Seymour Hoffman. But the social pressure against Nepo babies may have been enough to cost both actors a role. Either way the casting choice somehow managed to nail the resemblances even without the blood connection. Elle Fanning as Effie Trinket, Kieran Culkin as Ceaser, Ralph Fienes as Snow and Jesse Plemons as Plutarch. I do worry that the film will now have spent all the budget on cast and will have to use puppets instead of CGI for all the killer animals- a worthy trade.

School Adolescence

I finally watched Adolescence and, no surprise, it’s really good. But I was left confused by the people suggesting the program be played in schools. I don’t think a dramatised version of a girl getting murdered after bullying a boy is going to do whatever you think it will. The take away from the show should be about the dangers of toxic masculinity and alienated boys and bullying, but the solution isn’t ‘watch a tv show’, that’s like expecting Black Mirror to teach digital morality or Jaws to teach sea safety. It’s a conversation starter, not a substitute for actual education or policy.

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What I Googled this week

• Can baby’s catch their mothers constipation?

• Why is Australia in Eurovision?

• Why does England not have a siesta?

• What was Jesus’s surname?

• why do i have one very long eyebrow hair?

• Cheat sheet women’s football

• Have bow and arrow injuries gone up since the Hunger Games?

• Is it illegal to pierce your baby’s eyebrow?